In 1994, the movie Speed first debuted. A cinematic beauty where Keanu Reaves and Sandra Bullock brought the action and adventure right into your living room.
Bill Clinton was inspired by this movie’s concept and saw an opportunity to mitigate a looming American crisis.
We were too damn slow.
A secret, insidious, deal was made with automobile manufactures that year. One that would change the way Americans drove. Forever.
Your car would explode if it goes below the Speed Limit.
That’s right, Billy boy is a wacky guy. He was worried that, as a country, we were falling behind, always late, horribly inefficient, and just generally a bunch slackers.
In this meeting with car manufacturers, they worked out a deal where all calls built after 1994 would have this device secretly installed. The owners would be told about the device but sworn to secrecy. If they were scared, decided to tell anyone, or ever tried to remove the device, the IRS would ruin them financially.
Oh, and if they went below the posted Speed Limit, their car would explode. That too.
Well, it’s 19 whole years later and Slick Willy’s plan appears to be working like a charm. People adjusted without complaint to the manic speed requirements. Car explosions are so rare that we hardly even hear about them on the news. Owners passed down the secret knowledge to new buyers as prescribed in the Clinton Speed Doctrine and all is well.
Keep up the strong work America. You don’t want to be late.
Speed up for yellow lights.
Roll through stop signs.
Close your eyes near crosswalks.
Don’t ever let anything slow you down.